Six ways to help your ADHD child be happy – by a mum who spent 10 years trying

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I have spent much of the past 10 years trying to answer the question of how to help my kids be happy. I have two ADHD and autistic kids, and I am also both of these brain types. And I am more convinced than ever that the challenges attached with being an ADHDer – and the positives – are grossly minimised.

I also think that this brain type is even less understood than autism. How many people know that one in three ADHDers aren’t hyperactive, for example? Or that ADHD isn’t about a deficit of attention – in fact often there is an abundance?

I’ve interviewed the experts, read the research, spoken to ADHDers of all ages and profiles and concluded that a real understanding of what ADHD is, which enables you as a parent to advocate on your child’s behalf and teach them how their brain works, is one basic component for happiness.

Below are six other ways to help lower anxiety and increase self-esteem in what is a very imperfect world for ADHDers.

Don’t avoid assessment – or labels

ADHD is not overdiagnosed, it’s underdiagnosed. Data looking at global prevalence rates show the UK is under these rates, and it’s likely hundreds of thousands of people under the age of 18 are not identified.

My youngest child was identified as having ADHD at eight, the same year he received his autism diagnosis. I regret very much not investigating earlier. I waited years after he first suggested he might have ADHD, aged five, as I didn’t want to be one of “those” label-obsessed parents.

Now I realise I was influenced by people who don’t know about ADHD – and that my son paid the price as he was without the right support at school for several years.

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Having your needs recognised and supported at a young age is not a magic bullet but it really helps. If you don’t know why you find some things hard that others find simple – like consistently concentrating, listening, starting a task easily or not having a huge reaction to perceived rejection – you assume you are lazy, stupid, uncaring or that you care too much.

So if you have even a hunch this might be an issue then make a GP appointment to ask for a referral. Then leave it to the experts to decide if they are or aren’t.

Seek practical solutions

One difference I’ve observed between ADHD people who are happy and those who struggle is that they are more able to identify what they are struggling with and come up with practical solutions, or ask for support.

The ones who struggle assume they should be able to do everything easily, don’t ask for help and beat themselves up when they fail.

As a child, you’re not able to know why you are finding it hard not to, for example, blurt out in class. So, having a parent who can fill in the gaps – that it is harder not to do this because they have a Ferrari brain, only it comes with the brakes of a bicycle – makes all the difference.

You can then come up with strategies together. My youngest doodles on a whiteboard when the teacher is talking. It not only helps him listen but not to interrupt.

The problem is not your child; the problem is the problem

I was told this by Kirstie McStay, who works for an organisation called Spectrum Gaming, an online community for young ADHD and autistic gamers, and it has stayed with me. ADHDers get told off a lot – far more than neurotypicals – because teachers, parents and peers all get frustrated and cross with them.

Having interviewed ADHD adults I understand the value of having a parent on side to say that the teacher who thinks they are lazy or naughty, is plain wrong.

If there is a problem with school, make sure that you and your child are on the same team. It is also a useful reminder that often the behaviour that is maddening is communication for wider stuff that’s going on.

I’m not sure if there are many children (or adults) who really are naughty or lazy. How many of these people are unidentified ADHDers?

Validate… then validate some more

You probably know that you should validate your child’s emotions. It’s a good idea not just to listen, but to give your undivided attention, ask clarifying questions, reassure it’s normal to think that way and not jump in with a solution.

But I had no idea until writing this book just how effective it is. I interviewed a psychiatrist who advised that, however long I was spending validating with my own kids, I should do it for longer. “Just sit with your child in their misery,” she said. I started doing this with both my sons, and it’s magic. Not only does it help them calm down quicker, but they are more likely to talk to me about what’s going wrong.

Be the shield

Try not to let the opinions of strangers matter. Model to your child that they don’t have to live their lives according to someone else’s rules.

Specifically, rules set up by neurotypicals (non ADHDers ) that may be illogical and not work for them. While we all have to live in a community and need to think of others, it’s also fine to ditch rules that stress you out, assuming no one gets hurt.

Be the shield protecting your child from society’s judgement. If a stranger at the museum tells your distressed child they are naughty, tell your child it’s fine to ignore it as they don’t know about ADHD.

And if your child is cross with themselves for not being able to concentrate for longer, tell them it’s not a failing and that some people just find this naturally easier than others.

Us ADHDers have to work with our brains, not against them. Taking regular brain breaks and moving lots is what we need for our brain to work, and that’s all fine.

Teach the teachers

Often, teachers who aren’t ADHD or don’t have a family member who is, don’t know much about this brain type (no judgement intended, the training they get can be rubbish, and most of us don’t properly understand ADHD as it’s so widely misunderstood).

One-size-fits-all behaviour policies usually do far more harm than good for ADHD kids , so avoid putting your child in a school that prides itself on its highly rigid behaviour policy. Too often, ADHDers are punished in a way that doesn’t help them understand and learn from what happened, but adds to their shame and diminishes their self-esteem.

If your child is getting into trouble, highlight to the school that they are having problems not interrupting because of a delay in developing executive function processes in their brain; that punishing someone for this is punishing them for behaviour related to their condition or disability.

Similarly, no amount of detentions will help an ADHDer consistently remember their science book on a Wednesday, it will just increase their anxiety. Schools need to look for the “why” behind the behaviour, not just the behaviour itself.

Jessie Hewitson is the author of ADHD: How to Raise a Happy ADHD Child , published by Orion Spring, £18.99. She is also the Contributing Money Editor at this paper.