This common, but underestimated, relationship problem that ruins everything!
You and your partner don't always have the same desires at the same time. When one wants to go out, the other wants to spend a quiet day doing nothing. When one wants to cuddle, the other wants some space to themselves. This phenomenon is called jet lag, and it makes you feel out of sync with your partner.
What is jet lag in love?
In a relationship, not everything is always rosy. Sometimes you have doubts, especially when your partner declines all your suggestions and doesn't follow your desires. There's a glitch in the chemistry. When you want to go for a drink, he doesn't feel like partying and prefers to watch a comedy with a blanket on his knees. When you come home from work and ask for a little comfort, he tells you he needs peace and quiet. Finally, you wonder if you're really meant to be together . Your desires at the moment diverge so much that you question everything. You tell yourself that your tastes are perhaps too far apart or worse, that your relationship has no way out.
However, there's no need to overreact. This loss of connection with your loved one is usually only temporary. In fact, this phenomenon has a name: romantic jet lag. You're probably familiar with jet lag, the jet lag that knocks you out after a long-haul flight and leaves you bedridden. It's a bit like the same thing within a relationship. The two partners are no longer on the same emotional time zone. They're inches apart, but their minds and hearts are miles apart. What once connected them is as if broken.
According to a study published in the journal Couple and Family Psychology, romantic jet lag is a common but underestimated problem. One partner moves forward, the other stagnates. One wants more, the other less. One dreams of a "we," while the other still savors their "me." But that doesn't mean the relationship should be allowed to founder.
These periods conducive to romantic jet lag
Love jet lag makes you feel like you no longer have anything in common, like you're living as a couple, but fulfilling your goals separately. Far from the heated arguments that get the neighborhood going, it silently creeps into the relationship. At the beginning of a relationship, there's a greater predisposition to love jet lag. One partner wants to commit right away, while the other struggles to get over their old romance.
In a more advanced relationship, this might look like one partner is ready for children, while the other can't yet imagine giving up their freedom. Love jet lag can also manifest itself in everyday life: one partner wants to spend all their time with the other, the other needs some space and isolates themselves. One is a real chatterbox, while the other remains mute and keeps everything to themselves. It's not a matter of ill will. It's simply two different ways of experiencing love, like two internal clocks that are no longer set to the same time.
Why is jet lag in love so difficult to deal with?
Unlike a straight-up fight, jet lag is more insidious. The diagnosis isn't as straightforward. Couples may sometimes interpret it as a precursor to a breakup or a voluntary separation. Eventually, you feel like you're falling in love, and frustration quickly sets in. The person who feels "ahead" may feel like they're begging for love or pulling the other person toward them. The person who feels "behind," on the other hand, may feel rushed, oppressed, and misunderstood.
This emotional misalignment can become a real source of suffering if left unaddressed. Without dialogue, each party ends up interpreting the other's behavior as a lack of love, when it's often simply a lack of synchronization.
How to realign your emotional clocks?
While classic jet lag can be overcome with a good night's sleep, in a relationship, it takes some time to adjust. First, you have to learn to see beyond the visible. "Once you've become aware of this, if you know that an upcoming transition is likely to be difficult for you, it can be helpful to intentionally think and act in ways that make the transition easier," recommends psychologist Danielle Weber, who led the research. To reset the clock in your relationship and get back on track, here are some tips:
Putting feelings into words
Rather than blaming or demanding, express how you feel. Saying "I feel lonely when you distance myself" is more constructive than "you don't love me." The goal: to open a dialogue, not to make people feel guilty.
Identify everyone's needs
Perhaps one needs reassurance, the other independence. One experiences love through fusion, the other through balance. By understanding each other's love languages, it becomes easier to find common ground.
Show patience (and flexibility)
To love is also to respect the other's pace. Sometimes, the one who is "ahead" needs to slow down a little, and the one who is "behind" needs to take a step forward. The goal isn't to be identical, but to work together, with kindness.
Romantic jet lag isn't inevitable. It's a bit like a time warp in a relationship. Often, all it takes is a good conversation to get your hearts in sync again and get your relationship moving again.
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